So, here it goes. I've been working a lot lately, same old shit different day. This new guy Chris who is our 'team lead' like a second manager is a tool and a half. Alright? I mean, I've never known someone to be THIS obscenely, downright stupid in my life. Encountered a few that had came close, but this guy takes the cake. I've tired to play nice, but every time I work with him I get this unbelievable head ache that works its way into my back and I get tensed. I think it's from years of just letting everything weigh down on me. It's probably only a matter of time before I strike. However, I'm not a malicious person. Contrary to many peoples beliefs I'm a placid, calm, and lacking in confrontation person. I've never been in a real fight, I never had a screaming match with anyone besides my mother. I basically get scared and feel as if I am going to throw up the second the confrontation begins. Which, is unlike what I make myself out to be. However, I like to believe that this is because I don't seem like the girl anyone would want to get into a fight with? But, that could just possible be from years of being teased and treated like shit throughout school, and now having the seeming appearance that I could actually scare someone just by standing alone makes me feel a bit empowered.
Back to the tool
He doesn't take direction from woman I've noticed. I try and explain things to him but since he is a 'higher up' he doesn't seem as though he needs to listen to me or take my advice. Not that I was being bossy, I wasn't at all. I told him what he should be doing instead of just standing there and he choice to ignore me. That was strike one, I'd say. However, today wasn't as bad. Could be I only worked four hours and dealt with him very little because I kept myself busy and it was a busy morning in itself anyways. Or, it could be he backed down, seeing as though I actually know what I am doing. Which is less than what he can say for himself.
I saw my father this weekend. I don't really know what I say about that? I haven't seen him in two years I believe? I try and block it out. I don't know if it really doesn't bother me anymore, like I'm numb to it or if I just know that it's for the better? Or if deep down I am harboring feelings of angst and hurt from years and years of just rejection from my own father that I don't wish to deal with and they're waiting until someday years down the line to just erupt from within me. Kinda intense if you think about it? Of course, I don't believe that to be the case. I think I am just used to it by now, used to him. He's not a good man. He's a horrible father and I think he's just come to terms that my brother and I accept nothing more than a shitty relationship with this man and I want nothing more than what he is giving me as a 'father'. If he was in my life I don't think I could deal with him. He's an idiot to say the least. He was basically no feelings and is a pessimistic about his life and brings down anything and anyone in his path because he is feeling like shit, so why should anyone else enjoy themselves? I don't know if that is just the bitterness talking or the actuality of the whole situation, however, either way I am weirdly okay with it. As if I've moved on from the fact that every man in my life is a let down. Like, I'm just going to set myself up for failure after failure with men, until I find one that actually won't. Even then, I'll be cautious because the only people I can trust with my heart seems to be my closest friends and mother. See that, that's the bitterness talking.
Seeing my father was something. I'm not sure what, I don't know if my brain just completely blocked it out or if we really didn't talk that much. I drank a lot. Suppressing feelings, and hurt I suppose? Or maybe I just wanted to soften the blow to his superior intellect that is just astonishing to me. Sarcasm, can ya sense it? The rest of my family was fun. I talked a lot with my Uncle Bill who is married to my favorite aunt, Heidi. She's sweet and I can talk to her about a lot of things with my dad and she understands since she believes most of the thing I say about him to be true, mainly that he is an idiot.
Then I talked with Ellery. This kid that I've known for awhile and we talked a lot. I don't want to say we dated before, but we kind of did. It's like that 'safe dating' thing. We were just friends and went to high school together. I think he was two years ahead of me? Anyways, we talked and I haven't seen him since I was with Reid so almost three years? A little over? It was weird talking with him, but a good weird. I'm still really confused with the whole thing. I feel as though I shouldn't like him because I really didn't in high school, but now being more mature and talking with him we have some things in common. His music interests are similar, he likes a vast verity of things which is good since I do too. We both hate our jobs and want to work for movies. My being a screen writer and he wants to make masks and do makeup for like horror movies and whatnot. Which, I thought was really awesome and I never knew that about him. Apparently he's good at it too, but says a lot about him and his devotion to that. I just want to be friends with him and I can't keep going about this as if he's my boyfriend. Because A: that's insane. B: We barely really know anything about the other person and C: Neither of us want anything because he just got out of a serious relationship a couple months ago and I'm still fucked up from everything in my life and all the men that basically tore my heart out of the chest and decided it was a good idea to use it as a dance floor. So, I'm still a little sworn off men. Maybe, if I'm just cool and collect and act myself it'll be fine and stop thinking of it as a date. It's not a date. It's friends. I used to hang out with guy friends all the time and not give a shit! I still do. I guess I just wanted something so badly to take my mind off Reid, and Doug that I'm jumping to the chance to have a crush again, even if I know I don't want it. He's there and a boy and someone that might like me so of course I jump at the chance. Someone showing me attention, that never happens especially if it has a penis. I basically repel all men in a twenty foot radius, didn't know if ya knew. I get hit on by creep old guys in bars. I wear jeans and band shirts. My converse are ripped and tattered and look horrible and I love them like a small child! I go into mosh pits and have gauges in my ears, those big metal horse shoe kind. I'm not lady like, I'm not girly, and I feel as though that's what I need to be? I envy the girls that are with everything in me! I want to be pretty and skinny and wear all the cute clothing and tops and tight jeans and go dancing. But, it's not who I really am. I wish it, and I am jealous of it completely, but it's not who I am. I don't want to be anything than what I am! Which is why I believe I repel guys because they want someone pretty and girly and cute, I'm not! I'm crude and loud and funny and have a sense of humor like a friend. I'm a friend of a guy, someone you go and drink beers with and talk about the game, I'm not the one you go home with after and tell them you love them. That's not me. Even thinking about being told I love you seems absolutely ridiculous to me which is why I think I cringe every time my best friends tell me they say it to their boyfriends. It's great for them, but somewhere inside of me is worried for them and hates to see this happy little world their in come crashing down, if that's at all possible. I don't want them to go through what I did. I guess that's why I have so many fuckin' walls built up around me. Why I'm scared to death about tomorrow when it's not even a date! I don't want to fall in love, I don't want to find out he might be really awesome and get all giggly and cute because I don't want to fall back down again! I don't want any of it. I've seen what it can do and it's honestly the worst feeling I've ever had to go through. I never want any of that for my friends or for myself again. I know it'll happen to me again, but in the mean time I want to just kinda avoid it at all cost.
I should be on pills... lol.