|Thursday, March 11th, 2010|
I never wanted this. I didn’t ask for it, plead or beg. It just happened to me. The outcome brought me into a world I never thought could exist. A world with monsters and myths. A world where I too, was considered something of the unknown, unreal.
What I am shoved me into the underworld of dark and twisted thing. I tired so hard to avoid anyone of ever knowing. This is something I would never put on anyone, especially her. She’s too good, too innocent to be brought up in this miserable world of undead, cold hearts. She deserves better than this world, dark and dead. Yet, that’s exactly where her path of life is leading her.
Where he is leading her. No one asks for this. Well, at least no one in their right mind would. She has for him. But, I’ll be damned if I don’t stand in her way. For the better. I’m doing this to better her, give her, her life back. Something he planned to take. Something he should never have the rights to touch in the first place. If anyone gets to play God with her, it isn’t going to be him.
I ran. Through the moist forest, ignoring the whips and scraps of branches that drooped heavy from rain into the darkened path. I had to get away from whatever it was that was chasing me. I wasn’t sure of what, all I knew, all I could fathom to think at that one moment was to run. I could hear the pounding footsteps behind me closing in. Foot falls sounding like they came from heavy, thick soled boots. My throat closed and my chest burnt as I suffered to take in the cold air around me. Too scared to look over my shoulder, and with my reputation for “gracefulness” I couldn’t chance it. So, I focused on the moist ground, the smell of musk in the air from the rain, always rain.
Then a clearing, smog covered the space ahead of me and I saw him, with the moonlight shining down on him like a golden beacon of safety. A smile spread over my face, I was safe. I ran into his stone like body, wrapping my arms around him as the wind knocked out of my lungs from his hard chest. I took in his unruly hair, flawless white skin, his eyes closed as his face inched closer to me own as his hands circled around me holding me tight. The tip of his noses slowly skid across my temple and down my cheek. His breathing staying slow and soft as I focused on it to calm my own. His wonderful, sweet breath found its way into my senses, I was safe.
The air changed around us, mist that surrounded the clearing disappeared. The pounding steps that seemed to echo in my head faded and the shadow made themselves known in front of us through the thick trees. I felt his head lift up from my shoulder as he took in one last breath of my hair. A growl rumbled through his chest, against my own as I clenched my hands tighter to his stone arms. I chanced a look over my shoulder, swallowing down my fear that rendered me frozen against him. He slowly loosened his grip around me, sliding me to his side, placing me behind him. I felt his cold hand against my stomach as he pushed me behind him. His legs bent slowly as his prefect teeth shown from his pulled back lip. Another growl erupted from his stomach and out his throat as the shadow came forward. His fist gripped around the extra fabric on my shirt, making sure I wasn’t going anywhere, keeping me where he wanted me.
My eyes widened when I saw her. Strong curvy silhouette, same height as I remember. Her hair usual dark, mahogany hair black from the shadows covering her body. He still growled, holding tighter. I felt my body jerk backwards as she stepped towards us. She raised her hands in front of her, palms up in surrender as he stopped, watching her carefully with a curious tilt of his head. I peered out from behind him as she gave me a smile, wiggling her fingers to say hello. Something wasn’t right, her movements, slow and graceful, her skin in the moonlight, soft and elegant.
Her eyes darted from me to him. Him to me. They narrowed on him, my beacon of safety, my hope, my love and I couldn’t feel his hands on mine any longer. He took a step forward. She took a step forward. His hands clenched into fists at his sides, as his forearms flexed, strong muscles beneath his snowy skin. Then, she charged.
I shot up in my bed covered in a cold sweat. My lungs quickly filling with air that I gasped into them. I was able to finally slow my breathing, my heart still hammering fast in my chest as I felt a cold hand on my shoulder, gently pulling me to lay back down. I took in my surroundings and saw my blue walls, the old rocking chair in the corner slowly swaying as if someone just got up from it quickly. I turned my head and my body relaxed instantly.
“Bella?” He asked, his velvet soft voice making the tension slowly seep from my body. “Bella, what happened?”
“I just….Bad dream.” I murmured as he nodded slowly, pulling me back down next to him on my old mattress.
“Would you like to talk about it?” He asked kindly as he brushed a piece of hair from my face. I smile, moving into his cool touch as his perfect smile went over his stone features.
“Remember how Renee was talking about Scarlet?” I asked softly, turning into his body.
We had just come back from seeing my mother in Florida the pervious week. She spent most of the first day filling me and Edward in on my sister’s life. She had moved everywhere in the country so far. Seeing and doing so much. Renee showed me letters and post cards, she had been keeping herself busy.
I never talked about Scarlet much. She was a lot more like my mother than I was. Always doing something, going somewhere. She never stayed at one place for too long because she wanted something different. She needed adventure, or so she thought.
“I wasn’t made for a small town and a small life Bells. I need something more, this life I’m going through is a whole lot more.”
I never really got what she was talking about. As if her life was that much more significant than mine. That she was the rightful Swan to go through life without plans or expectations of anyone else. But, that was Scarlet. She just had that right.
“Yes, of course.” Edward answered, still playing with strands of my hair as he laid beside me.
“It was about her. I was running through the woods and I came to an opening. You were there and I ran to you, but then something came through the forest. It was dark at first but then she came through. You seemed really, protective over me, pushing me backwards as she came forward.” I paused for a moment in confused, shaking my head to continue. “She smiled and then everything seemed different, everything slowed down and then she ran at us, like she was going to attack… And, I woke up.” I shrugged as his brows slowly creased.
“I was protecting you from your own sister?”
“It seemed that way? It also was like, you were going to fight her.”
“Huh.” He said, his eyes slowly moving across my face and down my neck. He leaned closer, touched his cold nose against my throat as my eyes slowly closed. I heard that familiar growl from my dream come back to his throat as he moved off the bed and on his feet in a swift motion. “Charlie. I’ll be back to pick you up.” He said leaning and kissing my forehead before going through my window.
I heard the door in the hall click shut and Charlie coming towards my door, pausing for a moment and then the groan of the old floor boards of the stairs as he moved down them. I sighed looking towards my opened window, knowing it was pointless and Edward was already halfway home already. Yawning, I pulled myself from my bed and pushed myself down stairs.
Going into the bathroom I started for a shower, knowing it would be another half hour before Edward thought it responsible for him to show back up to pick me up for the day. Charlie of course was going fishing since it was the weekend and my day most likely consisted of Edward throwing application after college application at me to fill out.
Groaning to the thought I ran a towel through my now wet hair, looking up into the mirror. I sighed softly to myself, wiping off the steam with my towel and tossing my hand through my hair before putting it up. I couldn’t find the energy to actually fix it up as I normally would while spending the day with the most beautiful creature in the world.
My thoughts didn’t stray too far from my dream. Her image, the smile on her face made my stomach twist all over again. She was frightening but, something told me she wasn’t attacking me. She was attacking… Edward.
I jumped to the sound of someone knocking on the bathroom door as I pulled my thermal dark violet shirt over my head.
“I’m almost done dad.” I said in a breath as I gave one more glance in the mirror before rolling my eyes and moving to open the door.
“You’re mom just called. Told her you were in the shower, so you should call back. She seemed excited about something.” Charlie shrugged as I smirked a little. It never took much to excite my mother.
“Sure. She say what it was about?” I asked leaning against the doorframe, switching my weight to another foot.
“Something about Scarlet, I think? I asked but she told me she wanted it to be a surprise. I don‘t exactly like that, so you better find out what it is. You know your sister.” He said in a shrug and moving back down the hallway. I did know my sister, meaning she loved springing up out of the wood work whenever she deemed fit. Charlie and myself however, weren’t one for surprises. I followed him down to the kitchen as he rounded up his fishing gear. I picked up the phone, jumping up on the counter and leaned forward to dial the familiar number of my mother’s house.
“Hello.” Her voice was always so musical and happier in the morning.
“Hi mom.” I said looking down at my feet as my heels bounced off the cabinet.
“Bella! Hi sweetie. How are you?”
“He’s good.” Perfect as usual. “You called me earlier?”
“Oh right, right. Scarlet is going to be heading your way.” She said with excitement, pausing. Most likely waiting for my just as excited response.
“Oh wow, really?” I asked, forcing my voice to raise with the false excitement to please her.
“Yeah, she said she was going to try and get a hold of you!”
“Why is she coming to Forks?”
“Oh, no not Forks. Seattle.” She corrected as my brow slowly creased. Seattle as of late was the wrong place to be. A massive amounts of killings have been spreading through the city and they’ve yet to find a reasoning or suspect. The Cullen’s are hell bent on the reasoning being new born vampires. It wouldn’t surprise me, nothing really surprises me anymore.
“W-why Seattle? Is she not aware of the killings?”
“She said she wasn’t staying there long…” Her voice slowly faded with concern. “Why do you think that it’s getting bad?”
“Yeah mom, really bad. She shouldn’t go. Charlie won’t let me go even with Edward and his sister.”
“Well, Charlie was always a bit overprotected.”
“I think in this case it’s kind of necessary. When is she coming? Does she want me to come and get her?”
“I don’t think so? She said she’d find her way there. And, if Charlie doesn‘t want you to go than neither do I.”
“Charlie is going to want Scarlet here-”
“Is Scarlet coming?” Charlie asked coming into the kitchen. His officer jacket over his shoulder and tackle box in hand. I sighed and nodded my head, placing my hand over the receiver.
“Yeah, mom said she’s going to in Seattle.”
“What? No, absolutely not! She’s going to the airport and that is all.” He said sternly as I sighed.
“I know dad but-”
“Tell Charlie that I’m going to talk to Scarlet and see if she’ll postpone her trip another time.”
“Do you two want to talk?” I asked looking at Charlie as they both said ‘no’ at the same time. I sighed, rolling my eyes. “Ok, fine. Talk to Scarlet, tell her to call me later.”
“Ok sweetie. Tell Edward I said hello.”
“Will do.” I said jumping from the counter, ready to get rid of the phone. “Love you mom.”
“Love you too honey, bye.”
“Bye.” I knew as soon as the phone went on the hook Charlie was glaring at my back. Sighing I turned slowly to look at him, crossing my arms over my chest. “She’s going to try and talk Scar into staying until everything settles.” I shrugged.
“Well good. I don’t want you going there to get her, or her dragging you there for some shopping spree.” He said shaking his head and turning towards the door. Scarlet and me were complete opposites. She was outgoing and loud, humorous and always looking for something to do, a scene to cause.
Charlie was more like myself in the sense that we liked our low-key, quiet lives. When Scarlet came to visit him in those little times she did, they mostly fought. Him set in his overprotective ways and she not having the capacity to listen to order or to be held down by it. She was a ‘free spirit’ or at least that’s what she liked to refer to herself as.
“I doubt it would be for a shopping spree. She knows I don’t go for that kind of thing.”
“She’d find a way to get you into the city with her. They have libraries and book stores there Bells.”
“Well, whatever. Either way, I’m not going. She’ll come a different time. It’s too dangerous.”
“I’m glad you finally think so.” He said a little unsure as I smirked a little.
“Well Edward had a little to do with that.” He shook his head grunting something in response.
“Bye Bella.” He said heading for the door. He was still not pleased with Edward since everything I went through when he left. I suppose I should be grateful or happy for the fact that my father paid enough attention to my mental little break down. However, now it was just getting to the point of over doing it. Edward was back and not going anywhere again, I guess it’s just hard for Charlie to grasp that.
“Good morning Charlie.” I heard the angel like voice say from the front door as a smile spread over my face.
“Edward.” My dad responded shortly before moving past Edward and making his way to the car. Edward shut the door behind him, walking into the kitchen with an arm filled with envelops.
“Hello love.” He smiled my favorite smile before settling himself in a seat.
“Aren’t we leaving?” I asked still standing as he looked up at me, spreading the papers across my kitchen table.
“In a moment. Sit.” He said pushing the chair beside me out with his foot quickly. I sighed and sat myself across from him.
“Don’t you think I filled out enough of these?” I asked arching a brow at him and placing my hand around the side of my neck and leaning my elbow down on the table. He shrugged slightly spreading out the more, and what seemed like endless college applications.
“Never hurts to fill out a few more. Just incase.” He said raising his beautiful topaz eyes to mine with that perfect smile, flashing his teeth.
“I don’t understand the point, I’m not going to be able to be in college once-”
“Humor me.” He said pushing a paper towards me as I sighed and started filling out the repetitive questions. I barely had to look at the page anymore to know what was next. “So Scarlet believes that she won’t be harmed in Seattle?”
“Who knows what Scarlet believes.” I said with a little more bitterness to my words than I intended.
“You rarely speak of her.” He said, not as a question. I rose my eyes back to his as he watched me intently.
“There isn’t really much to say.” I shrug.
“Did you get along as children?” He asked tilting his head to one side.
“As much as any sisters would. She left for college in New York when I was thirteen and came back only for holidays or special occasions. So I didn’t really do a whole lot of growing with her. Then from there she moved around the country, going place to place never staying there long enough to get a real address.” I shrug again. I looked back down at the paper I was filling out and away from his inquisitive gaze.
“She chose an interesting time to come back. Was she not aware of what is going on?” He asked after a moment of looking me over.
“She has to of known. She most likely thought it wouldn’t of bothered her, or she would have been able to avoid it.”
“Perhaps its for the fact of Graduation in a week and a half?” He suggested as I felt my hand clamp harder around the pen in my hand. Was it really that short a time away? I almost had forgotten that, or possible tried to put it completely out of my mind ignoring what was to come after. Not that I didn’t want it to happen, the infinite future to have with this beautiful creature before me. I suppose it was facing the let down I was sure to cause my mother and father. Scarlet would have never of known the difference. I guess when she’s fifty and I’m still in the body I posses now she might become a little curious, however it’s doubtful.
I shake my head to my own bitterness, raising my eyes to meet Edward’s. His perfect dark brow arched slightly as he looked towards me. I quickly searched my brain for the pervious question he asked me that brought on the jumble of questions racking it.
“I-I guess that could be one reason.” I sighed. “Renee would have mentioned it though.” I pointed out.
“Maybe it’s a surprise?” I shrug again. The though of just being aggravated at my sister was doing me fine for now. I had no desire to justify her actions. She never did, so why should I give her the satisfaction?
“They all know I hate surprises.” I grumble as he kept watching my face. I kept my eyes focused on the paper in front of me, knowing my name I still struggled with writing it under the intensity of his gaze that burned into the side of my face.
“All the more to do it.” I sigh with a slight roll of my eyes that he of course catches. Him and all of his perfection would never ware on me or get old however, aggravating was a totally different thing. “Maybe she just wants to see you?” He offered. “I’m sure Renee has told her all about your new life here and perhaps she wants to come and see for herself. She loves you Bella, there is no doubt in my mind about that.”
“You don’t know her.” I let out in a soft breath, knowing he heard it.
“That may be but, I know you. And I know it is incredible hard not to love you.” I felt heat rush to my cheeks. How can he be so charming when I am trying to be mad. I heard the softly movement beside me and then completely aware of how close we were to one another. His cool fingers brushed the heat down on my cheeks as I slowly rose my eyes to his and all aggravation seeped slowly from my body. “What is it that really worries you, love?”
“What do you mean?” I asked innocently.
“About your sister and her coming here. Is it to do with the dream this morning?” He explained as I shrugged.
“No, not the dream… I just don’t want her to think she can handle herself. Like, what’s going on in Seattle isn’t a big deal. She rarely takes things seriously and I know she‘ll find trouble there and the next day in the paper I don‘t want to open up to familiar name in the obituaries.”
“Well, maybe Charlie or your mother can break through to her.” He reasoned as I sighed. Not likely.
I really had not been thinking about Graduation. It was a week, just one week from today and I thought my heart surely stopped upon reading the poster board Alice pointed out to me. I didn’t understand her ideas of throwing me a Graduation party, or why she was explaining it to me so soon, graduations in my mind being months away. Little did I actually know, it wasn’t. I sighed as I walked with Edward through my classes.
Scarlet. She was sure to be showing herself soon enough. Renee and Charlie both had got her to stay away for now. Neither of them knowing her exact whereabouts. She had said something about being in California, enjoying the sun. Something to me, about her voice seemed off.
I talked to her a few nights ago, after the long conversation we had about the killings becoming worse. The news and everyone seemed to suspecting a serial killer. However, my vampire family knew the real reason. Not the actual who. That was the real problem. An army of newborns are being created. But, we can’t figure out who, or why? Edward is set on it being the Volturi. Jealous of Carlisle and his large family. Everyone seemed to have their own theories, what was certain was that they were going to fight, and that scared me more than the Volturi themselves. We’d be out numbered but not out skilled, as Jasper put it. But, that didn’t mean they’d be faster and stronger, something that just thinking about it made my stomach churn. What if one of them didn’t return as I sat back and waited in safety. What if that someone was… I didn’t even want to think about it.
Scarlet had told me that she would be here for my Graduation and she couldn’t wait to see me. She was ‘close by’, the way she put it made me tense. It seemed like she was giving me a double meaning in her words, like I should know what she was feeding me but she never gave up anything more. I just summed it up to me being completely stressed these past couple weeks. Everything was going to seem like a conspiracy against me.
I still was able to go through the motions of school, not really paying attention but alive enough to pretend. I wanted to just get this over with, be graduated and have it behind me. Have whatever it was that was chasing me, behind me. Have my sister coming here behind me. I wanted it all done with.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket jolting my out of my thoughts. I felt around for a moment before looking at the familiar name on the screen. Scarlet.
“Isabella Maire Swan, is that really anyway to greet your loving and beautiful sister?”
“Hello Scarlet, better?”
“Ouch. Wake up on the wrong side of the bed Little Bells?”
“No, I was just…” I sighed softly shaking my head. “I have a class I need to get too, what’s up?”
“I suppose you’ve heard from mom ‘bout my visiting?”
“Yeah, uh, do you think that’s wise since-”
“I’ll be fine. Nothing can stop me from seeing my favorite sister.”
“I’m your only sister.”
“Which makes my statement true. So, how are things?”
“What’s with the one word answers? You regressing back to your teen years of angst?” I sighed once more making my way to my next class.
“No, I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Are you and um, Ed-Edward? Is that it? Are you guys alright?” I smiled a little to the mention of his name, I still can’t help that.
“Yeah, we’re fine. Never better actually.”
“You know if you ever need anyone to talk to I’m there for you Bella. Really.”
“Good. So, I plan on coming next week sometime. I’ll give you and dad a call when I’m at the airport. He’s none too please with this whole ordeal and I have strict orders from the Sherriff to stay put in that damn airport and to not move a muscle until I see him.” She chuckled, trying to impersonate our father as I couldn’t help the smile that broke across my face.
“That was pretty spot on.”
“I know right? It’s creepy.” We both chuckled as she sighed through you phone. “I missed you Bells.”
“I miss you too, but hey, we’ll see each other soon. How long has it been?”
“No, I skipped, remember. I was in London, on uh, work.”
“Oh yeah, that’s right. What work?”
“Some firm. So, anyways I’ll see you in a week little sister, I don’t want you being late for class. Say hi to uh, Edmund or Eli or whatever for me.” I chuckled rolling my eyes.
“You know his name.”
“Edward.” She said exasperated.
“Thank you. Bye Scar.”
The sun started to fade in the horizon as the Seattle skyline began to come alive with twinkling lights. I sighed heavily as flipped my phone shut and tossed it onto my hotel bed. It buzzed against the bedding. Renee. I didn’t even have to look. Three voice mails already telling me to stay away from Seattle, that I would get an ear full from Charlie if I went at this time. The Killings. They both said in a matched worried disgust. I chuckled with a shake of my head, if they only knew.
I do feel bad for my sister. Poor girl, dealing with the both of them, hounding on her constantly. I miss her. I honestly can’t believe she’s already graduating. Seems like just yesterday I was carrying her on my back in our yard in Phoenix, her child like giggles and bouncy mahogany curls in pig tails. That’s how I always remembered my baby sister, innocent and beautiful. I haven’t heard from her in months makes me disgusted I had let myself wait this long. Just to hear her beautiful voice again would be enough to make this visit worth it. Even if I don’t finish what I came to accomplish, however I knew I would.
My life has been this way since the day after my eighteenth birthday. I was welcomed into the underworld that no one knows of. That people secretly fear and hope and pray to God that it never really would become true. It is, and those poor soul’s prayers were just going unanswered. Here, there was no God, just the evil that roamed and stalked the night, haunting and thriving for the simple sound of a beating heart. Blood pulsing through hot veins, alive and pure that they wanted to just sink their teeth into.
I smirk at nightfall. It’s time once again for me to leave and stalk the stalker. I stuff my rosary beads between my breasts, giving it a simple kiss and small wish of security. No God, but these were given to me by someone special when everything started to change. The closer to my beating heart it lied the more comfort I felt. Something to give me hope to survive a fight from the damned and unbreakable.
“Good-night Ms. Swan.” The doorman winked at me as I exited the ritzy hotel I was keeping my things in. I never slept. Not with the nightmares, not anymore. I smiled back sweetly as his eyes scanned over my body a little too long for my liking, but he was young so, I allowed it shrugging it off.
I tugged my leather jacket tighter to my bust and listen. Shuffle of quickly moving feet, the steady sound of forced breathing, a hiss, a growl, whimpers anything, just listening and waiting.
Seattle has been a war zone for days now and it took the second headline in my news paper to know what the case really was. Newborns. They were easy to rid of usually but, something about these… They kept growing. Someone that had control of their thirst and were creating them, creating more for a reason but I couldn’t understand why. I turned a corner when I heard it. The whimper of a muffled scream.
Snapping my head in the direction of the alleyway I slowly entered the darkness, cloaking my body underneath it and saw them. Three. It wasn’t going to be hard. Sliding my body hard against the bricks of the cold alleyway, my back covered in leather slowly moved down to the grimy ground. Out stretching my leg and pulling my body, then the other and so on until I was right there. Silence was key. They could smell me, I knew that but, they were too enamored with the poor soul they had inches from their deadly teeth to notice my approach.
I pounced just as their face was disappeared into the nape of the blonde girl’s neck. Their stone body collided hard with mine as we stopped against the metal of a dumpster. The imprint of his body was left as I held my arm out around his neck. He snarled and hissed, trying with all his strength to move. Newborns were always stronger. He broke my hold and spun my body hard against the alleyway bricks.
My skull cracked, echoing through the narrow space as his lip pulled back over his teeth in a sickening smile. I narrowed my eyes, kicking my foot out as my thick soled boot connected with his stomach. He flew back, breaking through the brick wall of the building across from me. The girl’s eyes widened at the hole as the Newborn flew back at me. I ducked and darted out of the way just in time as he stopped himself from smacking into the next building.
The others stood watching, waiting for their in. I kept them in my peripheral vision, and the girl just as close. One broke away from the other, tossing the poor girl into the steal arms of my other audience member. I was pressed between the too. Their teeth inches from my neck, chest, back. My arms were twisted behind me as my chest pushed against the marble of the Newborn man in front of me.
He had to be at least early twenties. Beautiful, with his strong jaw bone, and perfect nose, round full lips with a moppy head of blonde hair and blazing, sickeningly red eyes. They dug into mine as I kept my heart rate steady. He smelt me, skimming his icy nose against the side of my throat to my hair.
“Beautiful.” He murmured as I just growled in response. “Stand still.” He said softly, leaning into me. I felt his hard teeth open against my skin and I braced myself. I clenched my eyes and gritted my teeth as the girl’s high pitched scream rolled through the two buildings, almost vibrating through my body. The other moved my hair off my neck and watched intently as the other sunk his teeth in.
It always felt like hot lava flowing through me instead of blood. I swallowed hard as he took in my blood, sucking vigorously, greedily on my neck as my breath became labored. I felt him detach himself, and stumble back. He wiped the blood from his face with the back of his hand spitting my it from his mouth, his brow creased and face in pure disgust. I smirked, grasping my neck as I put pressure on the gaping wound, which was already slowly starting to heal.
His eyebrows furrowed deeper as he fell forward onto his hands and knees. The other two went to his side, snapping their heads at me as I just smirked and slowly backed myself away, going to the girl. They never did learn. As my blood moved through his system his body began to tremble, like a artic breeze just rolled through his veins. The others asked if he was alright, what was going on.
“Just wait.” I said darkly as they snapped their heads back to me and back to him. Then it stopped, the convulsing and shaking. His body fell to the moist concrete and combusted. Dust covered the ground where he once laid and the others stepped away quickly with wide, red eyes. The girl trembled at the scene before her against the wall. I walked to her outstretching my hand as she ignored it. I quickly grabbed her and put her behind me. “We don’t have much time, they’ll be more, we only have two minuets.”
“How do you-” She stammered as I shook my head, grabbing her hand and started running. The others kept their faces down at the remains of their friend, as we hurried past.
“Go to the hospital.” I said to the girl as we stopped from our run when I heard her breathing get heavier. She shook her head and I shook mine with a sigh. “Don’t argue with me, you’re traumatized.”
“Wh-wh-what were those -”
“That doesn’t matter. Just go!” I said shoving her as she stumbled and then ran again. I watched her cross the street safely, a few car horns and yells from their windows, but she made it to the stoop of the large hospital running through the doors.
I sighed turning my attention back towards the darken alleyway I knew they were waiting. I could feel their seething anger, hear their hisses, and growls.
“You shouldn’t exist!” I heard a beautiful, angelic voice say from the shadows. I furrowed my brow for a moment. A woman, I wasn’t expecting that.
“Nether should you.” I spat back as she growled louder. The wind rolled through us and I smelt something familiar roll along with it. My stomach twisted slightly to the scent. I stepped into the darkness seeing her. Her hair billowed from her perfect heart shaped face in fiery red waves. There was at least ten more behind her but they kept their distance from me, knees bending and hands clenched ready for an attack when the command was sent. “Who are you?”
“No questions!” She hissed. I nodded. “Who are you?”
“You just said no questions.” I smirked as she stepped forward then stopped. I could smell her icy, sweetness from her breath, chest raising and falling heavily in still seething anger as it came across my face.
“Slayers were killed off centuries ago! You are not one of them! You are an impostor!”
“I’m sure your friend back there would beg to differ.” I said crossing my arms over my chest. I ranked my eyes slowly over her body and caught something that didn’t fit. A sweater, red and bright against her snowy white skin. My stomach twisted once more at the familiar scent washing from this vampire, from that sweater. “Perhaps you would like to see for yourself?” I asked stepping towards her as she quickly took one back. I smirked. Her narrowed red eyes disappeared before me as I looked up watching them all scale the walls and run. Cowards.
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|Sunday, September 28th, 2008|
So my life is moving seamlessly from one day to the next without any new or exciting to dos. This is a complication considering the fact that everything about my life is incredible boring in an unsettling, staring at the pretty, blinding white walls in an insane asylum unsettling.|
I however, have just fell into this realization as of earlier this week. I was slowly and sickeningly aware of it for awhile now. Of course, I was ignoring it by tricking myself that it was all going to work itself. Everything would fall into place one day and I'd wake up and be exactly where I wanted to (the Disney thesis of ruining every girl's life that grew up watching their movies comes to mind). Not the sick feeling slowly seeping into my brain that I am undeniably and inconceivably in a rut. Not just a rut, but a rut with no out. That is, until I was able to work up enough courage in my spineless back of mine to figure out that I do want something more for my life. To come to the conclusion that could have only happen in my own time and in my own way without the fruitless yet helpful, gracious labors of my friends and some family members that my life is actually worth more than making coffee for the masses and masses of idiocy that rolls through the doors of Barnes and Nobles. Retail and Sales would be my hell. Endless, upon endless rows of white cups with that green logo, mermaid with white flowing hair, seashells and disgustingly familiar smile there to mock me for all eternity. I much rather welcome death again and again than that horrible imagery.
So, my thesis on the matter at hand. That matter being my life and the years to come, or for my much more recent efforts of actual well, effort of how I want this all to play out. Unknowing what will actually happen. However, you must all remember I am a creature of habit. Breaking out of said habit is hard and an unsettling, even a scary experience for me. I've become stronger over these past years with thanks to my rough around the edges attitude and new found inner strength, that I've been able to do things without having a second thought. A stomach sinking thought that would send my brain into endless guilt of tailspin thinking that I, and myself alone could decipher. Soon the millions of voices in my head, sounding frighteningly similar to my own would fade and the deed I had planned to do would become almost enjoyable. I was never able to leave on a whim before, not care about the consequences or what would happen the next day. Always planning and prepping. Having enough time to get ready for the task I had to take care of the following day or following week. Sleeping patterns are something I care far too much about, more than any normal twenty two year old should. Having been spoiled most of my life with a working mother who was once in her life diagnosed with OCD, I had little to no chores. The only reasoning being, a dish in our house could not stay in the sink longer than a trip up the stairs and down again before it was wash, dried and put away. I had no choice than to let her do it. I asked and offered always to get the same response. I would do it, only to have her a few steps behind with sponge in hand ready to clean up the small crumbs that only her eyes could see that I missed. That being said, I had a lot of extra time on my hands growing up. Time I should have put towards being determined and focused in school, instead was used for watching television and sleeping once home and waking up in time for dinner to just go back to sleep later that evening. Needless to say sleeping is more than just something that my body needs for rest.
Since being this new person that I myself am still getting used to in these past couple of years I have figured out that I want more than just a life in Massachusetts. I want to see the world and everything it has to offer. Taste grapes from a vine in Italy, smell the hops and bitter aroma of brewing beer lift through the air of the green Highlands, watched palm trees move with the rhythmic, hypnotically sweet breeze of Hawaii. I want to take pictures, photographs from every side of the oceans. Watched new waves crash on new shorelines. I've never wanted this before. I never cared enough to realize just how beautiful life and everything in it is. I just lived. Without thinking, without caring about what I would do next as an important factor. Never once has the phrase 'live life to the fullest' appealed to me. I never cared. Until now. Until I got a taste for it. Traveling on my own. Being on my own, as alone as I could with the unnatural comfort I got from someone I barely new. A friend of a friend that soon became my best friend without any try or extra want. It just happened so naturally, almost to the point that it still astonishes me that I can trust someone, full heartily that I've known for such a little amount of time. I got a taste for it and never once have I stopped trying to fill that hunger and thirst. I've lost my way a few times. Picked up certain scents of life's unknowing changes. Gotten lost, and off my path of what I really wanted and back to just settling. Settling for something that was nothing I could have ever wanted for more than just a few years. A filler job, something to make me money.
That is always the excuse for not going back to college. When there are so many other reasons. First one is just pure fright. Wondering whether my brain even works like that anymore? Self-doubt and the undeniable crutch of my learning disabilities, hiding behind it and using it so much soon made me believe that it was true. My brain really did work that way, not that if I actually tired, applied myself and expanded my empty mind it would hungrily absorb the information like a dried sponge. I suck a math as do most every other person that populates this planet. I was never in 'smart people' classes. I always was good at school but that was because I was never challenged enough to fail. It's only until recently that I discovered I have a slight talent for writing. Not that great of one, however I talent nonetheless.
Even the word talent being talked about in any context concerning myself makes my stomach sink and a slight grimace form on my face. Nothing is ever good enough for me, in myself. I'm my own worst enemy. I hurt myself worse than any one could, now. I push people away before they can get close enough to me. However, these issues are completely irrelevant to the matter at hand.
Schooling now, is just not going to happen. I thought about it, got excited until reality sunk in. I have a good thing sitting right in my closet from a Technical Vocational High School that I have never once put to the test. I know I have a knack for colors, imagery and arts. It's always fascinated me and I've always done well with pairing colors and making hues and contrasts. I have never had a problem finding my way around a computer or computer program when shown to me once. I can find my way around any site, even through Java and Web Design gives me a headache. Graphics in movies have always astonished and excited me. The only reasoning for me seeing Finding Nemo for the first time was because of Pixar. My dream of all dreams is to work for them. Not to become a dancer or singer but to work on a Disney Pixar Film and see my work and many others come to life on screen. Never have I ever thought it possible however, as the saying goes a girl can dream.
I still to this day have the vivid imagination of a six year old. Day dreaming and thinking of things in movies or books could come true for just one moment in time. To make those things come true in a movie, on screen because of a computer, because of my hand would be amazing. Having written it would be even better, however again its a bit of a stretch.
Getting my foot in the door is the firs step. Creature of habit, taking baby steps. Nervous and steady steps, but steps all the same. Aptshirts.com is owned by this guy that comes into Barnes and Nobles for a Grande coffee often. He has mentioned graphics to be once before and screen printing is easier than anything I would be thrown into right away with new programs of Photoshop and Illustrator since they update their programming most likely twice a year. I've been out for almost five years. I still use my own version of Photoshop and make my own graphics and customize my own pictures, which I plan to take more of on Monday for my brother's band. I would be rusty but, like I said it wouldn't take much for me to find my way around the program. Soon enough I would be able to design things myself.
So now, the final countdown as begun. He is said to return from Maine on Wednesday. I could easily contact him on his website, however I contemplated what exactly I would say in the email. I would want to sound smart and not too childish and foolish in it however, the idea of saying 'This is Megan the girl from Barnes and Nobles' as an opener sounded nothing short of ridiculous in my head. Over and over again I thought of something to say how we've talked before, mentioning how he knows me from Barnes and Nobles, again, ridiculous. So, I opted to just wait. Talk to him in person and remind him about my schooling and how I would love to help out if needed of even if he knew of anywhere that I could go. A brother company he knew of that he had no malice towards for competition. Anything.
However if none of this works and all hopes of Graphics are dashed than I have really no idea of how or what I am going to get myself out of this rut I've called a life for almost four years now. I should really be saying I'm not going to give up and be the optimist here, but when has that ever been my nature?
current mood: apathetic
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|Saturday, September 13th, 2008|
I'mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm drunk!!! woooooooooooo! I love vacation! lmao!!|
So I've been thinking a lot lately about like life in general and like what I wanna do with it and I want to write. there really is no doubt there. I am writing a screen play that kinda sucks but I guess in time it'll be better and growing as a writer and reading more it'll be better, I'll be a better writer and more accurate.
I'm drunk so this makes sense now, I promise.
Nicole likes the TMNT sound track and I'm all excited. lol because she won't ever admit it but I think it's the greatest thing ever!!! hehehe
She's gonna hurt me when she reads this....hahahaha....
She makes good margaritas though. lol.
Speaking of TMNT i'm behind on my chapters and I need to work on them...but if I do it now they'll be all weird and most likely sexual. haha. Weird how that happens? lmao!
current mood: energetic
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|Wednesday, August 6th, 2008|
I got my new lap top and i'm laying on my bed right now watching girlmore girls writing this and this is just the greatest thing ever! im extremely excited about the whole new idea of lazyness coming my way!
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|Sunday, July 27th, 2008|
all the joker icons are amazing and are credited on my profile. good lord they're fantastic!!!
current mood: cheerful
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|Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008|
so this is the deal...|
I am still coming to terms with the fact that this might actually be something. I am not positive anymore, about anything really, ever so I'm just kinda going with my head. Which is screaming at me like twenty million different things. My heart is kinda just dead to the world, so I rarely ever talk or listen to that anymore unless its considering friends.
I like him. That is defiantly apparent, now the thing standing in my way are all these walls I built around me. I can't let anyone in again because the whole idea of it, falling in love and having a boyfriend is just ridiculous to me. Still. That's my whole problem. Everything is slowly falling into the idea that I, for so long had this idea in my head that I don't need a man, nor do I ever want to be touched by one or God forbid fall in love with a man. That's just ridiculous. So, that's my problem. I can't just let my walls down or believe that I can have a boyfriend again. It's not that I don't want one, or that I'm not ready I just can't or at least I don't think I can. My head is just so fixed on the idea that I can live without a man, I can be fine without a boyfriend, I don't need one, I don't need love because love will just end up in heart ache. I can't fall in love because I don't want to face that again. I think it's ridiculous to fall in love because it's just going to end so why give my heart to someone that is just going to break it, or that we're just going to end it. Love is just not something in the cards for me right now at this young age. I don't believe that someone my age should have someone in their life that's serious because I'm not going to get married anytime soon.
I should date, I'm not discriminating against dating. It'll be good for me, it's just the love thing. However, how do I even know I'm going to fall in love or visa versa? I don't. So this is just me being crazy and thinking far far far ahead. Something that I should just not be doing. I keep reminding myself to live for the now because that's what being 22 is. It's living in the moment, at the height of your young adult hood, is living and doing for the now and being happy and carefree. Harder this day and age with the government fucking each other up the ass and making this country fall to the ashes, however it's still what it's about. And I deeply believe that. Could also be the fact that I don't believe in marriage and I don't plan on getting married at all because like 99 percent of the population is divorced. It's just not a honest union anymore, no one believes in the sanctity and the beauty of it. Maybe I'll change my mind, I probably will along the road just now, at 22 I don't. I don't want it.
I think taking this slow would be the best decision. I might down the road figure out that he actually is worth this and I should finally let my walls down, or I might just have them come down by themselves without them knowing because he's just going to be able to. Of course, I have no idea. Nothing could happen, we could just remain friends and be fine with that. Or, something would ignite and we'd be a great couple, I have no idea and I can't keep thinking something might or might not. I need to just let it be. I'm not forcing anything and I'm no longer thinking I should be forcing or should be looking out for something. It'll just get me more and more confused.
This is horrible. I'm the worst kind of person because I'm just coming up with these reasons, when I have no idea what the fuck I want. I shouldn't be hurt still. I shouldn't be getting over this heart ache anymore. Years and years of men, all men in my life taking the trust and heart and turning it into this horrible bullshit thing has taken a toll on me and I haven't actually realized it until now. I think Davenport was the fucking straw that broke the camels back. I just broke down and shut off to everything and anything having to do with love. Besides family and friends. Besides people I can't trust.
current mood: apathetic
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|Saturday, July 19th, 2008|
2:07 am - im so angry...haha it's great huh?
sometimes when i'm alone |
i feel as though i get caught up in this little world of my own
i can't speak of the things that leave me blind sighted with love
only hate makes its way through those million walls that i've built up
guess it's my fault
i let myself fall and pushed away all the hands willing to help me back up
those similar feelings of compassion and love
left to be throw away like those promises you force yourself to spit up
but i can't be brought down, not after the way you left me to crash and just burn
i guess we've all just have to learn
i'm not as weak as i once was and i'm not as naive in the ways of love
you make it so i see better
i see clear and true through those lies that you keep trying to feed through
i'm sick and i'm tired of thinking of you
and your blame that was placed on me
but what you need is a mirror to see the real culprit.
I guess its true what they say
that you can't bring a go day without thinking of tomorrow
so i take my deep breaths and another quick step
as I walk away from this wreckage you've left
but really its ok because i've seen the true meanings
you can't learn something without a good beating
so let me pick up my heart, maybe dust it all off
and you can find your way back from this horrible loss
please don't turn back, just let me start to rebuild
I always like it better, now that I'm alone
current mood: calm
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|Saturday, July 12th, 2008|
12:54 am - holy shit i'm scared
So i've still been talking to that kid since he's been away on vacation. pretty much everyday we text each other and have nice conversations. And last night we had a conversation that I would have never thought to come from this guy. It just too me by surprise and it was really fun. I took it as that, fun. I have a head ache thinking about this and my thoughts are all jumbled mess right now because this shit doesn't happen to me! I'm the friend, always the friend. I never play the girlfriend, just the friend. I like it that way. I think? I mean it would be nice SOMETIMES to have someone there, kiss, hold, fuck whatever but I never thought I would get it, not anytime soon at least. So I was safe. I was safe from any relationship because I never got asked, I never asked anyone, I just left men alone and they did the same. It was a wonderful relationship with the male population. Until him. Now I have someone actually liking me and telling me they wanna hold me and all this bullshit. But, for some reason I know coming from him it possible isn't all bs? Which is a totally new concept to me and I totally remember saying these exact words about Davenport. Which makes me want to throw up. This whole thing, I feel sick and I'm shaky. I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me! Normal girls would be ecstatic to have a guy spend some of their attention on them. However I want to vomit. How the FUCK does that make sense?! I'm so fucked up. Maybe that's another reasoning behind me believing I would never have someone. Because, I am oh so messed up, my life and outlooks on it are just FUCKED and he doesn't care. He actually shares quite a few of those same outlooks and that makes him even more awesome! ANOTHER THING! He's actually awesome. He makes me laugh and he's really dorky and not in a loser way but a kinda adorable way. AH! I don't know. And he's not 30! ha! There's another new thing for me! He's actually only three or four years older than I am! Why is it that I just believe my life to be nothing other than what it is. It's not like I don't mind change, I honestly don't care half the time but when it has to do with my heart I put up blocks right away. No one touches it, ever again. And it's wrong and I'm fucked up. I'm just fucked up. Happiness just doesn't wanna happen for me because apparently I won't let it fuckin happen!!! fuck this. I always said Davenport was good for me because it made me stronger. Fuck that! It made me too strong, and too blocked off and too toughed skinned for anything good to ever happen to me again. Fuck him. This sucks. And yeah I'm still blaming him because he really IS the fuckin reason I'm like this. I honestly cringed to the word cuddle when it was used! CRINGED! How sick is that?! I don't want it that bad? Fuck that I would love to be in his arms! Hello! He's fuckin' jacked!! It would be awesome but the fact that even saying that is making my head spin slightly and my stomach flip flop is all to be blamed on Davenport. like it even mattered anyways! He's a homo. no lie, fairy! ran like one anyways. GOD! Waste of my fuckin life and fuckin' time and made me into this monster that I am now. He's sweet and caring and nice and actually sees me for me! that's all I ever fuckin' wanted and now I have it and I'm throwing it away because I don't wanna get hurt?! WHAT!?! What is that shit?! are you kidding me?! Because I believe that in the near future I am going to fuck something up some how and become jealous or crazy like I did with my numerous other boyfriends and fuck it up. because i'm my mothers daughter and i'm crazy Italian woman that wants attention 24/7. |
Cheese on a cracker, I'm just nuts.
current mood: apathetic
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|Monday, June 23rd, 2008|
10:04 pm - huh...
so it seems as though I haven't updated a real update with like actual information about my daily life in what seems like awhile. Possible because my life is probably the most boring thing you will even have to endure. |
So, here it goes. I've been working a lot lately, same old shit different day. This new guy Chris who is our 'team lead' like a second manager is a tool and a half. Alright? I mean, I've never known someone to be THIS obscenely, downright stupid in my life. Encountered a few that had came close, but this guy takes the cake. I've tired to play nice, but every time I work with him I get this unbelievable head ache that works its way into my back and I get tensed. I think it's from years of just letting everything weigh down on me. It's probably only a matter of time before I strike. However, I'm not a malicious person. Contrary to many peoples beliefs I'm a placid, calm, and lacking in confrontation person. I've never been in a real fight, I never had a screaming match with anyone besides my mother. I basically get scared and feel as if I am going to throw up the second the confrontation begins. Which, is unlike what I make myself out to be. However, I like to believe that this is because I don't seem like the girl anyone would want to get into a fight with? But, that could just possible be from years of being teased and treated like shit throughout school, and now having the seeming appearance that I could actually scare someone just by standing alone makes me feel a bit empowered.
Back to the tool
He doesn't take direction from woman I've noticed. I try and explain things to him but since he is a 'higher up' he doesn't seem as though he needs to listen to me or take my advice. Not that I was being bossy, I wasn't at all. I told him what he should be doing instead of just standing there and he choice to ignore me. That was strike one, I'd say. However, today wasn't as bad. Could be I only worked four hours and dealt with him very little because I kept myself busy and it was a busy morning in itself anyways. Or, it could be he backed down, seeing as though I actually know what I am doing. Which is less than what he can say for himself.
I saw my father this weekend. I don't really know what I say about that? I haven't seen him in two years I believe? I try and block it out. I don't know if it really doesn't bother me anymore, like I'm numb to it or if I just know that it's for the better? Or if deep down I am harboring feelings of angst and hurt from years and years of just rejection from my own father that I don't wish to deal with and they're waiting until someday years down the line to just erupt from within me. Kinda intense if you think about it? Of course, I don't believe that to be the case. I think I am just used to it by now, used to him. He's not a good man. He's a horrible father and I think he's just come to terms that my brother and I accept nothing more than a shitty relationship with this man and I want nothing more than what he is giving me as a 'father'. If he was in my life I don't think I could deal with him. He's an idiot to say the least. He was basically no feelings and is a pessimistic about his life and brings down anything and anyone in his path because he is feeling like shit, so why should anyone else enjoy themselves? I don't know if that is just the bitterness talking or the actuality of the whole situation, however, either way I am weirdly okay with it. As if I've moved on from the fact that every man in my life is a let down. Like, I'm just going to set myself up for failure after failure with men, until I find one that actually won't. Even then, I'll be cautious because the only people I can trust with my heart seems to be my closest friends and mother. See that, that's the bitterness talking.
Seeing my father was something. I'm not sure what, I don't know if my brain just completely blocked it out or if we really didn't talk that much. I drank a lot. Suppressing feelings, and hurt I suppose? Or maybe I just wanted to soften the blow to his superior intellect that is just astonishing to me. Sarcasm, can ya sense it? The rest of my family was fun. I talked a lot with my Uncle Bill who is married to my favorite aunt, Heidi. She's sweet and I can talk to her about a lot of things with my dad and she understands since she believes most of the thing I say about him to be true, mainly that he is an idiot.
Then I talked with Ellery. This kid that I've known for awhile and we talked a lot. I don't want to say we dated before, but we kind of did. It's like that 'safe dating' thing. We were just friends and went to high school together. I think he was two years ahead of me? Anyways, we talked and I haven't seen him since I was with Reid so almost three years? A little over? It was weird talking with him, but a good weird. I'm still really confused with the whole thing. I feel as though I shouldn't like him because I really didn't in high school, but now being more mature and talking with him we have some things in common. His music interests are similar, he likes a vast verity of things which is good since I do too. We both hate our jobs and want to work for movies. My being a screen writer and he wants to make masks and do makeup for like horror movies and whatnot. Which, I thought was really awesome and I never knew that about him. Apparently he's good at it too, but says a lot about him and his devotion to that. I just want to be friends with him and I can't keep going about this as if he's my boyfriend. Because A: that's insane. B: We barely really know anything about the other person and C: Neither of us want anything because he just got out of a serious relationship a couple months ago and I'm still fucked up from everything in my life and all the men that basically tore my heart out of the chest and decided it was a good idea to use it as a dance floor. So, I'm still a little sworn off men. Maybe, if I'm just cool and collect and act myself it'll be fine and stop thinking of it as a date. It's not a date. It's friends. I used to hang out with guy friends all the time and not give a shit! I still do. I guess I just wanted something so badly to take my mind off Reid, and Doug that I'm jumping to the chance to have a crush again, even if I know I don't want it. He's there and a boy and someone that might like me so of course I jump at the chance. Someone showing me attention, that never happens especially if it has a penis. I basically repel all men in a twenty foot radius, didn't know if ya knew. I get hit on by creep old guys in bars. I wear jeans and band shirts. My converse are ripped and tattered and look horrible and I love them like a small child! I go into mosh pits and have gauges in my ears, those big metal horse shoe kind. I'm not lady like, I'm not girly, and I feel as though that's what I need to be? I envy the girls that are with everything in me! I want to be pretty and skinny and wear all the cute clothing and tops and tight jeans and go dancing. But, it's not who I really am. I wish it, and I am jealous of it completely, but it's not who I am. I don't want to be anything than what I am! Which is why I believe I repel guys because they want someone pretty and girly and cute, I'm not! I'm crude and loud and funny and have a sense of humor like a friend. I'm a friend of a guy, someone you go and drink beers with and talk about the game, I'm not the one you go home with after and tell them you love them. That's not me. Even thinking about being told I love you seems absolutely ridiculous to me which is why I think I cringe every time my best friends tell me they say it to their boyfriends. It's great for them, but somewhere inside of me is worried for them and hates to see this happy little world their in come crashing down, if that's at all possible. I don't want them to go through what I did. I guess that's why I have so many fuckin' walls built up around me. Why I'm scared to death about tomorrow when it's not even a date! I don't want to fall in love, I don't want to find out he might be really awesome and get all giggly and cute because I don't want to fall back down again! I don't want any of it. I've seen what it can do and it's honestly the worst feeling I've ever had to go through. I never want any of that for my friends or for myself again. I know it'll happen to me again, but in the mean time I want to just kinda avoid it at all cost.
I should be on pills... lol.
current mood: contemplative
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|Thursday, June 19th, 2008|
12:47 am - OH MY FUCKIN' GOD!!!
I NEED to see this movie!! This is fuckin' amazing! haha. I'm soooo excited!
current mood: chipper
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|Tuesday, June 17th, 2008|
1:30 pm - *screams*
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! And-And-And I think McGregor's voice is Obi-Wan again! AND! I'm excited!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! MORE STAR WARS!!!!!!!
current mood: excited
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|Friday, June 13th, 2008|
so lately I've been going back and forth in buying a Mac of a PC and not in that cute way like the commercial, there is no Justin Long in my bedroom even though that would be pretty sweet. |
Anyways, witty banter aside I have been looking at consumer reports on the Dell laptops and the Macbook. The Mac is of course the best one to get, with tech-support issues and of course that whole being harder to get viruses. But the Dell is third, second being some L one? I can't remember the the name. So, apparently it is better rated than the HPs and Compaq. Which isn't that hard to figure out since both of those computer are just horrid. Then I went on the Dell website and the Dells are considerably cheaper than the Macbook with a different colors to choose from. I'm not all up to snuff on memory or motherboards or whatever but, I have a Dell right now, and its a desktop and I've had it for what...3 years now? Something like that. It's been pretty amazing, some problems like any PC has which gets kind of tiring after awhile. Which is why I was really really considering the Macbook. And the fact that I heart Macs in general. They are just a butt load of money and I don't have that as of right now and I really really want a laptop! A pretty pink one. The Dell is 799 for the one I want. The Mac is around 1600. big difference. Especially the add ons I would have to get for both.
I'm just aggravated. I want the Mac but I KNOW the Dell is the better, more cost effective choice. However, do I know if the Dell will last? They didn't say that in the reviews, of course. Considering it was the Dells website.
If I was still doing graphics I would want and really NEED the Mac. But since I am just using the Dell for writing I don't know if the Mac would really be worth it?
current mood: contemplative
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|Sunday, May 18th, 2008|
1:58 pm - best scene of like any movie ever of course there are a lot of those and it changes daily
|Sunday, May 11th, 2008|
2:16 am - happy brithday surprises
can i just say I have the greatest friends ever?|
They threw me a surprise birthday party with TMNT stuff and Beth made me a Leo cake which was awesome. It was fantastic and probably one of the best things I've ever gotten for my birthday. I've never really had a party, party. Only my 16th and that was it. My 21st I got drunk at a Chili's. This year I got TMNT and tequila shots at 12am tonight at my favorite bar! It was just awesome and probably the most memorable birthday so far! I'm so happy and so fantastically amazed that my friends care that much! haha. It's so awesome to have such great friends. I love you BOTH Colie and Beth!
current mood: drunk
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|Monday, May 5th, 2008|
3:30 am - our drunken encounters
its getting harder to say|
that today's the day
that you're essence left on me is just going to go away
i've tired to fight
and it seems that i can't win
something left inside me keeping me living with this evil sin
a phantom kiss on sinning lips
is all thats left of you
i'm left bruised and beaten after reading from your scripts
something i've tried to fight my way through
that you can still get to me
its been long enough for me to think its effect has worn down
sadly it seems i'm still as weak as i once was
thinking i have a reasoning to believe in that bullshit called love
broken promises leaving slurred lips
alcohol tainted tongues brush the sweet essence of what's left of me
kiss it away so i can finally be free
i no long need this burden weighing down on me
kiss it away so i can finally be free.
i write better when it's 330 in the morning and i'm angst ridden.
current mood: accomplished
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|Wednesday, April 30th, 2008|
6:13 pm - fan-fuckin'-tastic
this is my favorite TMNT vid. I just love this song. it so fantstically just raw and emotional. The beats and music, the way Nonpoint did this cover is just amazing. And it's too the new movie and Leo and Raph so that's just wonderful in itself! hehe.
current mood: chipper
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|Monday, April 28th, 2008|
|Thursday, April 17th, 2008|
Ok so, this hole weight lost thing is totally irrelevant to me. I eat healthier and cut out sugars and fats but only some sugars and fats are bad for you. I just eat fruits and veggies and I am told that if I do that for long than my metabolism can shut down and not lose any weight at all because it's going into starvation mode and storing the fats. Then I am told just to go on a regular diet, eat healthy, eat less, watch what I eat, drink water, cut out soda. Ok, then I'm told the most I can lose is 2 to 3 pounds a week. ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDIN' ME?! Yeah...no thanks! I was losing that in a matter of days on my detox. But, of course after a million people have told me it's bad and I shouldn't do it I began putting regular food back into my diet. No matter what I do, I'm gonna fuck myself over. Now, after a week and losing 10 pounds I feel just as fat as I was because I'm eating regular food again. Not a whole lot mind you. I mean today I have a portion size of special k cereal with soy milk and a mini whole wheat bagel. Other than those things it was all fruits and veggies. I've just never really went on a diet, diet like the one I am on right now. For a week, and it's driving me up a fuckin' wall. Usually I'll last (no lie) a day and be like "ah fuck it" and have a cookie. This time, I haven't cheated once and I've been buying weight watchers cakes and whatnot that equal a point. They're fuckin delicious too. |
I just want to see results and I should know that I won't in a matter of days. It's just going to be so hard since I WAS seeing them in a matter of days. I mean earlier this week I lost 4 pounds in 3 days! I mean c'mon! Those are fuckin' amazing results! I want those back!! Not that I lost them, really...I lost one pound in two days. It's gonna suck and I can't keep thinking that it's always going to be one pound down in a day and I can't get disappointed when my weight doesn't do anywhere in a couple days.
I just thought that I was going to be so hard but then when it was coming to easily for me I got super excited and did better and better then starvation reared it's ugly head and my body NEEDING food from working out so hard at the gym and pushing myself came into play and I started buying breads, whole wheat mind you but something to give me some kind of nutrition and carbs besides carrots and other veggies.
It's not like this was supposed to be easy anyways I just hate that it was for a week and now after hearing people piss and moan about being healthy and needing to keep my body from starving itself I actually have to put in effort. It was easy for me to ignore other foods and just focus on fruits and veggie. Don't ask me how, because I honestly have no idea. I had massive cravings, but I'd push them away and ignore them. I still haven't had anything from work and that in itself in a huge achievement because I used to snack on something everyday when I went to work! Cookie, cake, coffee drinks with loads of sugar and syrups. Not anymore. Straight espresso and soy milk and that is IT! See, again another thing that I cut completely out of my life and should at least lose some weight for. However, I do not know. I mean it's only been a week right? Can't judge the way a diet is going to go in a week. I just have to stay strong and keep on truckin' and not get discouraged when my weight doesn't go down like it has been...
Fuckin' hate diets.
current mood: annoyed
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|Friday, April 11th, 2008|
this diet fuckin' sucks! I want a sandwich!!
current mood: hungry
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|Sunday, April 6th, 2008|
4:14 pm - remember when B Spears used to be awesome?!
those dance moves are FAN-fucking-TASTIC! that split move...HAAWWWTTT lol.
and now i hafta go to work. :0(
current mood: cheerful
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